Friendly post

Just wanted to share something from an email a friend sent me:

Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Life keeps you humble,
Success keeps you going,
But only friends keep you glowing.


CUTE RIGHT

Why is it the person who drives you crazy the most, is the one you can't get enuff of! You know the end result is gonna be a bad one but it's some sort of magnetism that keeps you going back for more. This has to be the case for all of these young women I see who go for the "bad boy". These men have nothing to offer you, yet women flock to them like bees to flowers. What is so attractive about someone who can't speak proper english, is disrespectful, and doesn't share the same values as you. It's mind boggling to me......more to come.

It's all About Me

I never realized how much self esteem affects young women. I know this girl who is beautiful, but for some reason finds her self gratification from men or by putting others down. It makes her so unattractive. I'm not perfect in any way but no one has to tell me I look good for me to enjoy being in my own skin. There are features that I absolutely love about me being a heavyset woman and all. I understand the fact that you want you're mate to appreciate what your wearing especially if your trying to dress up for them, but how does one let another's opinion completely defeat them. As for the putting others down that is as low as one can get. Everyone has something wonderful about them. If you get your jollies making others feel bad please stay the hell away from me. You are shallow and need to go experience life. Your standard of attraction is obviously a physical one and you've missed out on some of the best folks around. I'm beginning to ramble so I will stop here but let me say this: If you're constantly sizing folks up and they seem to always come up short maybe you need to apply your scale to yourself! Do you even measure up to the standards you want everyone else too? It's cliche to say try taking a walk in someone else's shoes and if your one of these sub-humans it would be impossible for you to do anyway. My advice to you is keep living life and maybe you can learn a thing or two!

What's in a Gaze

I curse the day we met
but then our eyes meet
I wish I would have gotten out before it got so bad
but then our eyes meet
I cringe when my mind finds you in memories
but then our eyes meet
My heart races with anger at the sound of your voice
but then our eyes meet
Too many I'm sorries
but then our eyes meet
Too many I dunno's
but then our eyes meet
Jokes turned sour by malice and contempt
but then our eyes meet
The countless insults
but then our eyes meet
the complete disregard of my feelings
but then our eyes meet
Your stuck in your world in which you do nothing wrong
but then our eyes meet
The weight of it all
but then our eyes meet
and all is forgiven because of the warmth and innocence that dwells there.
it's in this gaze that I wish to stay forever.

Secret of the Day

I wonder why I hide my true feelings from you. Maybe it's fear, more likely the fear of rejection. I just don't think you realize the magnitude of your words. When you tell me things like you're not going to be there, I believe this to be fact. Why do you think you get to take this back with a simple I'm sorry. Or by saying I didn't meant it. Maybe you should start saying what you mean while I'm still listening. I don't see my life without you , yet it's becoming unbearable to have you as apart of it. If I struggle with you so on the small things how can we get to the big ones? I await your response with open ears and an open heart. I want to share it all with you, but you have to want it.

Happy 2010!

First off I want to exclaim how happy I am 2009 is over, what a year! I have grown so much and yet I know there is still so much road left to travel. I'm taking the time now though to share something that has been upsetting me lately. I have a twofold problem. The first half is folks are way quick to pass judgement on someone else. Instead of lending a helping hand or ear they write others off because they feel some twisted sense that they are better than that person. It's like my grandma says "sweep around your own front porch before you go worrying about somebody else's". If you find yourself constantly talking about someone I'm talking about you. Put yourself under the same microscope you put others, not so perfect are we? I didn't think so! The second part is I can't stand for some one who is young, able bodied, and of sound mind to complain, complain, complain but yet do nothing to change the situation. I have seen too many people come from so little and do great things. Get up off your lazy ass and make it happen. I know people who are considered poor who are the happiest, healthiest folks I know. They are proud of what they do have and appreciate the important things like love, and family, and the wellness or lack thereof of mankind. I pray that in this new year and the years to come folks can stop being so worried about what they don't have and learn to cherish what they do have. Turn that mirror on your self from time to time!

Happy New Year

So its been for ever since ive posted, yet its close to bed time so I will have to make this one short. The new year opened with a problamatic start. I will include details at a later date.....nothing I cant overcome though right?!? my gramdma had surgeory today I was nervous for her all day. Im happy to report she's well and being demanding as ever. More to come.....

Relationships are like that game twister. You are so busy focused on getting this date right or saying the right thing that you end up all twisted and fall. Ultimatly losing the game. I don't wanna play at relationships anymore. I want to be allowed to really enjoy spending what could be the rest of my life with someone who is right for me. Not saying the relationship I'm currently in wont work out to be exactly that. We have a great deal of potential. All the right framework is there but every things all jumbled up. It's like on of those puzzles with a ton of pieces and everyone looks alike so it takes a great amount of time and effort to put it together. Yeah that's actually a very accurate discription. Then there is the outside influence that says it's not worth it, or it's not meant to be. I'm so sick of being beat over the head with folks saying that to me. Didn't their mothers ever tell them if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I guess not........My emotions are all over the place and I can't seem to stay focused on anything. I wish I could find someone with all the answers and do whatever they say. Like a guidance counselor whose speciality is relationships.....

Back From Vacation

Well it is safe to say that I was defiantly missed by my baby while I was away. I can't believe some of the stuff that one pulls. My trip was fun too much drama though. Folks especially family to learn to love one and another. At least be grateful you have family to turn to. We take so much for granted especially our loved ones. I do wonder though why black families seem to have so much strife between them......

So I spent the day packing for my LA trip, I'm not at work extremely mad at myself for taking so long to pack. The funny thing is technically I'm not finished. I'm still super excited though finally a break from every day life. Hopefully I will get some well needed rest too. My brothers are always too much fun, they are so full of life, to be young lol. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Lacombe I'm so sorry I missed it. I know you were beautiful and handsome respectively. You two are proof that true love does exist. I can't wait for the lil' ones. Tinkerbell is gonna be jealous.

Have you ever been given everything you ever asked for? How about in a relationship? Well it's the most amazing experience in the world. As if you're floating on clouds nothing but sunshine and blue skies. Now think of what would happen if some dark force came along and snatched that cloud from under you. This is my current state. My cloud is gone! I can't bear to face this I wanna be a spectator at the movies, not the leading actress. As the events unfold it gets worse. The more I try to be happy the more grief I cause........and then there is you. I can't protect you from this as much as I want to. Yet I also can't give you the out you need. Not to mention you don't want it. I wish I could say we will be better once we make it through this, but that's the thing, there will never be an end. My judgement is cloudy too full of emotion. I wanna run from this so badly why am I being made to face this. I mean how can I be expected to give up the love of my life just like that. Everything is closing in. I'm trying to hold on keep fighting the good fight but sometimes one must succumb to the dark side.

Talented right!?!

I Miss You

I miss you like the earth with no atmosphere.

Like taking a breath with no air there.
Much like a mountain spring when I need a drink.

I miss you like the words I cannot find when I’m trying to speak.
I miss you more like the words to a song I can’t seem to remember.

I miss you like yesterday dreams about forever.

Like an empty chair in a crowded house.

Like walking in on the end of a conversation and not knowing what everyone is laughing about.
I miss you like a Valentine lost in the mail.

Like an ocean breeze moving not a single sail.

Like a comparison misses a metaphor;

like an unanswered knock at an open door.

Like how we are know and how we used to be before…Damn, I just miss you girl.

Hyland Hicks

R.I.P. Joker

So I went to see the latest batman movie. The joker was awesome hands down, he stole the show! Favorite lines were:

1. I'm like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. I just do things.

2. Introduce a lil anarchy. Oh and by the way chaos is fair.

3. Look what I did to this city with a few barrels of gasoline and some bullets.

4. and lastly You think I would leave the fight for Gothams soul up to a hand to hand battle with you.....No no no you must always have an ace in the hole.

I can't rave enough about Heath Ledger as the Joker he's no Jack Nicholson but man he was amazing!

Desperate

I'm at a loss. I can't imagine that I'm so out of touch with you that all of these things that I'm feeling are just that.....feelings. You keep telling me it's all in my head, but I know that this is not the case. It's the gamble I took opening up to you. I layed me heart out there. Truly expressed what I felt inside. I thought I could trust you. If you're leaving I wont stand in the way. I just don't want to be the last one to know. I must ask though why put me through all of this. Why put us through all of this to then turn and walk away.....The very thing you were afraid someone would to do you, you're doing to us! Normally I would back out now you know cut my losses before it becomes to much. it's different this time though I've invested so much. No matter what the outcome is there will be great damage, great loss. So I'm going to try things differently this time, actually give this my all. If nothing else I can grow from the expirence. The expirence really.....is that all you are. I'm so desperate for answers to questions only you can answer.

I'm Back With A Story to Tell

My recent abscense can be blamed on myspace(which I never knew was so addicting), live journal, and my ever "juicy" love life.

I have found lately that every relationship I am in changes me. Sometimes in a big way and sometimes in ways so small I don't notice until much later. In my current relationship the M word has come up. You know the one Marriage....yeah thats it. Yet this time I didn't completly reject the ideal of marriage like so many times before. I gave it a timeline, which many find cliche. It's what I need though to decide whats right for me. So at the tender age of twenty five I may be married and relocating states. WoW! I will give more details about the lucky Mister in a blog entry some other time. Maybe even post a pic ooh la la! I've never expirenced a love that isn't cumbersome until now! Even when the clouds come and block out the sun. I want nothing more than to be by his side.....I love the way that feels!

Something New

First off let me say even though the title of this post is awfully cliche it's appropriate. I've come to the realization that living in the past is not living at all. Yet I hold the past so dearly because I'm comfortable there. This so called comfort must be disrupted. I have been given the opportunity by a truly special person to live for today. Actually enjoy life as it occurs not remembering times when it was good. I must admit I'm nervous it's been awhile since I ventured out into the real world. I'm putting myself out there so you better be worth it. Just Playing!

My Affliction

I think of you constantly
Sometimes I write your name over and over again
Finally my hands cramp from my tireless chore
and then I read my work aloud
line by line
line by line

You have taken me over
I'm so encompassed by you.
Hours go by like seconds
Months go by like weeks.
All spent on daydreaming
and thinking of you.

I've never known how truly precious time is
until I spent time with you.
It's funny how the smallest act
seems so grand if it's committed by you.

I find myself smiling
from thoughts of you.
The times we've shared plague me.
....and yes plague is the right word.
because even though I feel all these things for you
You conceal your thoughts
your feelings
your emotion from me

Maybe one day I will earn your trust
and then you to will suffer my
affliction.

Guess Who's Back

Happy New Year and all that jazz. I know I'm late but I've been in a pretty isolated state. One in which I've reached out to family and friends more so than ever. I've learned how truly dependent I am on my loved ones. I used up their time so selfishly because I couldn't get enough. The love and protection that exude from them is all I was ever searching for. It's funny that all I needed was right there all along, but the lifestyle I chose to live pushed me further and further from them.

So far in the new year I've found new love which is always a fun expirence. I've got it all....the butterflies in the stomach, the girlish laughter, hours of day dreaming, and tons of cuddling.

Lastly I would like to share my new years resolution:

To be the best friend I can be to those who call me friend. Yes that means to all of you have complained that I never have time for you; that has been adressed and you will become tired of the endless phone calls you will recieve from me. I can never get back the time we lost and this I truly regret. Lets enjoy 08 together.

The Future

I don't know if you've seen the latest rendition of Peter Pan. It's not necessary for one to have viewed the movie for you to understand my sentiments.At the end of the movie Peter defeats Captain Hook by repeating the phrase "OLD, ALONE, DONE FOR"! Hook finally gives in and repeats this phrase as confirmation of his defeat. Hook who had just learned how to fly begins to sink rapidly. He then meets his final fate which is to be eaten by an alligator (you know the one the has the ticking belly). Even though Hook and Pan are fairytale creatures Hook's demise mirror's my own. I feel as though I'm sinking rapidly into nothingness. I'm so jealous of youth these days, living their lives care free. No real responsibilities, no worries about finance or finding someone suitable to start a family with. The fact of the matter is as my birthday gets near I'm beginning to feel very old, alone, and done for.

Birthday Blues

So it's less than a month to my birthday and I still don't have any definant plans. This will never do! I have a ton of things I want to do, and hopefully I will get to do at least three of them. I mean I have the whole week off from work PAID! To Do List will follow in a later blog.