MOODY BLUES

If I could describe the way I feel right now it would be the image of a pit bull with his sharp teeth showing as he growls at his annoyance. I don't know if u know pits but trust me if there trained in a certain fashion it doesn't take much to annoy them. I have been so moody lately, and it's really affecting everyone. I can't help it though, I am officially pissed o-f-f! When I get like this only one person can bring me back to a normal state of mind and that's my grand mama! If the folks who have been having to deal with me could comment they would say well go see her a.s.a.p. And if u don't u might meet ur maker sooner than u were supposed to. In response to that I would say GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! That would at least be the initial response before a slew of curse words and threats. It's sad though cause I'm really just crying out for attention. I've been conditioned though that it's weak to call a friend and say comfort me. So instead I piss them all off purposely cause it ensures they will pay me attention at least long to ask what the hell is wrong with me!

Remembering

U make me remember him,
u really make me remember him.
The way we were and the way we are now.
How we began and how we ended.
Even your mannerisms match his.
I ask myself over and over,
How did I find him again.

U smile like him.
The way your eyes light up,
it's as if the sun is dancing off them.
Your lips part ever so slightly,
and the corners of your mouth indent seemingly forever.

U laugh like him.
The most contagious laughter I've ever known.
Especially when your cracking up.
It's borderline obnoxious.
But it's the best.
Especially if it's from a personal joke between us two.
We could laugh forever.

U show your anger like him.
It's never hard to tell when your upset.
There is a complete personality change within you.
It's like a care bear morphing into a wear wolf with a thirst for blood.
You are now on the hunt for your foe.
They better be ready because there is no stopping your recklessness.

U hurt me the same as he does.
Never on purpose, you care far too much for that.
Nevertheless I'm wounded regularly.
Maybe if I saw myself the way you see me things would be easier.
I have very little self-worth and this pisses you off.
Hopefully you wont give up on me.
I need you now more than ever.

U have my heart the same as he does.
I don't think I could live without you.
Your a very special part of me,
That's why I'm so sensitive,
and hide everything from you.
I'm scarred if you really get to know all there is to know
You will no longer want to know me.
Then you'll suffer from the same symptoms I do daily.

U remind me of him I swear you do.
I never thought we could be so close
On the surface one would think were nothing alike.
But underneath it all we are one in the same.
Your my friend same as he,
I love you both dearly.

With This Ring I Thee Wed

Weddings are such beautiful ceremonies...

This weekend I attended my older sister's best friend wedding and it was something to see. The wedding definitely didn't start off traditionally. The groom's mother held everything up with a arrival that was almost an hour behind schedule. She then boasted this was intentional because the union of her son and his chosen bride she wanted nothing to do with. She was purposely trying to start arguments with anyone who was trying to make the wedding a success. To make a long story short she was successful in upsetting the bride so much that she was ready to call the wedding off. The groom was standing at the alter the entire time and was clueless about the situation taking place. The bridal party and us "lady's" who were there for support surrounded the bride and tried to do damage control as quickly as possible.

The groom's grandmother saved the day with these words:

"Baby today is your day and don't let nobody take that from you.

We are all here to celebrate the love you have found with my grandson, not his mother.

You go out there with your head held high and you marry your soul mate.

Your love has stood the test of time,

including two beautiful children.

Baby go out there and marry the man god sent to you".

The bride was still shaken up but the ceremony was back on. The bride took advice given by her grandmother-n-law and held her head high as she glided down the isle to her groom's awaiting side. She looked like a beautiful princess. I've never seen her look so awe strikingly beautiful. It wasn't the dress or the elaborate hair and make up that made her so beautiful. It was the warmth radiating from her heart, it gave her this supernatural glow. The groom didn't seem quite as excited as the bride but I think it was just nerves. Even though he missed all the drama at the wedding he knew his mother's point of view about his choice of bride. When he said his vows though you could tell he was speaking from the heart.

The best part of the wedding for me had to be when the bride had a dance with their six year old son. Their dance didn't leave a dry eye in the room. It was so special to see that bond between not only mother and child but a mother and her first born. The bride's son didn't look nervous or anything he just looked up into his mother's eyes and smiled. Then came the groom's dance with the newlywed's youngest child. He danced with their 10 month old daughter to Ribbon in the Sky by Stevie Wonder. It was so special she cooed and smiled the entire dance.

Anyone who knows me knows how scarred of marriage I am. Even though I seen many successful marriages I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be married and uphold everything that marriage stands for.Lately though I'm starting to get over that fear. I've begun leaning towards the feeling that if you truly love someone then marriage is going to be a celebration of that love. The Reverend at the wedding said it best:

"Getting married doesn't make you husband and wife,

it's the actions you take now that you married that will make or break your marriage.

To truly be wed to one another this young couple will have to put the time and effort into building a union that is solid,

and will transcend space and time".

I found the Reverends final piece of advice to be interesting. He closed saying,

"keep everybody out yo business.

When your unhappy with your mate don't go tellin all your friends.

That is the quickest way to put a crack in the solid foundation your trying to build".

This was so interesting to me because another reverend said almost the exact same thing at my cousin's wedding earlier this year. I wonder how many marriages and relationships in general fall apart because folks can communicate with everyone else but each other?!??!!!

Hello Again

WOW!! It's been a really long time since I have posted anything. I was going to wait and try to catch up on all the "goings-on" concerning me, but that's just not gonna work. I've realized something about me though which is something new happens everyday. No wonder I'm lost in my own world half of the time. I had to check in today to post something in particular.Since the first time I heard this song I loved it but it's taken on a new meaning for me recently.

ANOTHER AGAIN

So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it,

but we simply won’t admit it again
Oh it feels good,

it’s so good,

but I won’t do it again
It’s so dramatic again
After we go at it,

we get mad then we go at it again

Oh I love it,

then I hate it,

she’s my favorite again
I’m wasting time
I can’t help it she’s so fine

Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime,

I guess we say bye-bye
(And again and again and again)

Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again,

and we want it again
So we fake it again

I think we’re gonna blow it,

and we know it
But she’s naked again
We get wasted,

then I taste it,

then I waste it again
I can’t invite her again
‘Cause she’ll go from a lover to a fighter
And I’ll fight her again

So it’s over,

but I told her to come over again
I’m wasting time
But she’s always on my mind
I can’t let her go
Oh, she’s not the best,

but she’s all that I know
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime I guess we say bye-bye
(And again and again and again)

Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again,

and we want it again

So I’ve got a new friend
I wish I could forget you
But I miss you,

wanna kiss you again
She’s like you,

but she’s not you,

gotta find you again

So we remember again
The middle of December and I took you out to dinner again
Oh I love her,

it’s not over,

just another again

(And again and again and again)
Oh, it’s another again---
I love her, it’s another again…

ALL SMILES

Last night my x-boyfriend took my mom out to the movies to see spider man 3. They invited me to go along too of course but something told me they needed to go alone. Especially since he invited her to go, and not me. I knew the movies were a cover cause we have been talking about getting back together, but he knows he's got to make things right with the family first. I should have sent my younger sister with them so she could have been my informant, but knowing her she wouldn't have told me anything enjoying the pleasure of knowing I was sittin at home on pins and needles wanting to know everything they were talkin bout.

I had to wait up until twelve this morning for them to arrive then I ran upstairs to my bed and pretended like I had been sleeping. My X came to my room and thought he was shaking me awake. I could have gotten an oscar for my acting skills. I slowly pretended to awake then faked being startled to see him. He was smiling down at me and said "I didn't wanna wake you but I had to come tell you I love you and I always will." Then he tucked me into bed and kissed me on the forehead.

I didn't sleep much last night from a mixture of excitement and pondering what in the world my mother had told him when I called him to say good morning he asked me not to go to work today and to come see him instead. I told him I couldn't, but that we would hang soon. He says we need to talk about us, I'm trying not to get too excited cause I don't wanna get all worked up to get let down, but I think this might be it....

He's the Void in my Life

I miss being your girl, truly I do. Sometimes it's so hard for me to enjoy our salvaged friendship because I want so much more for us. Thats the problem though I want it, you don't. We've gone over what broke us up time and time again and we both seem to agree we were good together. Yet when ever I bring up us trying to get back together you always reply why can't I be happy with what we have. The answer to this question I don't have the courage to tell you because you make me wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to keep crying and upsetting you with my broken heart so I don't tell you that I love everything about you. Even the things that get on my nerves because they are apart of you. I don't tell you how there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you're doing at that exact moment. How the scent of your favorite cologne fills my nostrils at the most random times and I find myself turning about to see if you're near. It absolutely does not help that my family still adores you, they act as if nothing bad ever happended between us. I mean my mom still calls you her son, and my dad asks about you and your wellfare weekly. I no longer lash out at them for caring for you still, I understand it better now. They are like me they can't get over you. It's like I told you I will never love another the way I love you, you are my first love, my first real heart ache,and my first regret.

Jumbled

There are so many things racing through my mind that I want to blog but can't. For one I can't stay focused on one ideal long enough to convey it, and two the exhaustion and fatigue of working through my weekend has caught up with me.....Not to mention the partying and new found fun with legal consumption of alcoholic beverages. House margaritas at Luca's lounge are the best....The hangovers that follow I could do without.....:)