My Affliction

I think of you constantly
Sometimes I write your name over and over again
Finally my hands cramp from my tireless chore
and then I read my work aloud
line by line
line by line

You have taken me over
I'm so encompassed by you.
Hours go by like seconds
Months go by like weeks.
All spent on daydreaming
and thinking of you.

I've never known how truly precious time is
until I spent time with you.
It's funny how the smallest act
seems so grand if it's committed by you.

I find myself smiling
from thoughts of you.
The times we've shared plague me.
....and yes plague is the right word.
because even though I feel all these things for you
You conceal your thoughts
your feelings
your emotion from me

Maybe one day I will earn your trust
and then you to will suffer my
affliction.

Guess Who's Back

Happy New Year and all that jazz. I know I'm late but I've been in a pretty isolated state. One in which I've reached out to family and friends more so than ever. I've learned how truly dependent I am on my loved ones. I used up their time so selfishly because I couldn't get enough. The love and protection that exude from them is all I was ever searching for. It's funny that all I needed was right there all along, but the lifestyle I chose to live pushed me further and further from them.

So far in the new year I've found new love which is always a fun expirence. I've got it all....the butterflies in the stomach, the girlish laughter, hours of day dreaming, and tons of cuddling.

Lastly I would like to share my new years resolution:

To be the best friend I can be to those who call me friend. Yes that means to all of you have complained that I never have time for you; that has been adressed and you will become tired of the endless phone calls you will recieve from me. I can never get back the time we lost and this I truly regret. Lets enjoy 08 together.

The Future

I don't know if you've seen the latest rendition of Peter Pan. It's not necessary for one to have viewed the movie for you to understand my sentiments.At the end of the movie Peter defeats Captain Hook by repeating the phrase "OLD, ALONE, DONE FOR"! Hook finally gives in and repeats this phrase as confirmation of his defeat. Hook who had just learned how to fly begins to sink rapidly. He then meets his final fate which is to be eaten by an alligator (you know the one the has the ticking belly). Even though Hook and Pan are fairytale creatures Hook's demise mirror's my own. I feel as though I'm sinking rapidly into nothingness. I'm so jealous of youth these days, living their lives care free. No real responsibilities, no worries about finance or finding someone suitable to start a family with. The fact of the matter is as my birthday gets near I'm beginning to feel very old, alone, and done for.

Birthday Blues

So it's less than a month to my birthday and I still don't have any definant plans. This will never do! I have a ton of things I want to do, and hopefully I will get to do at least three of them. I mean I have the whole week off from work PAID! To Do List will follow in a later blog.

Work Life

So I've been transferred to a new department at work. Today was the first day working my new schedule. I've been quoted saying I'm game for whatever at least I still have my job. I'm not so sure if these are my true sentiments......Life can't ever be normal for me just when things are going good......it never fails.....NEVER FAILS

Anticipation

You know how you get that feeling that something major is about to go down. It nags at you constantly, and unless your blessed with clairvoyance or some other gift of foresight, it smacks you right in the heart of things.
I usually blame karma, for the unknown "occurrences" that take place throughout my life. This leads me to the new event that is unfolding in my life. I have so many new decisions to make and no clue where to start. I'm unsure of everything, and terrified of making the wrong decision. I wait in agonizing anticipation.

The newest life lesson I have learned is, to truly love someone you have to love without conditions. Just love. I understand why my grandmother loves each member of our family equally. No matter your statue, whether you've made all the right decisions in life or all of the wrong ones.

I get it now why my mother is my best friend. No matter how much our opinions differ she has been my rock, the solid foundation she has provided me is the greatest gift of all time. It feels so good to know that no matter what I do she will always be there.

I also have begun to understand why I have a need to be there for someone I choose to refer to as person A. Person A and I have been friends for quite some time. It's close to five years. Over the years we have had our good times and bad like any normal friendship. The thing is the entire time we have been friends Ive had to try and justify why I am friends with this person. My family and friends all question me constantly. I could never really explain it to them why this friendship meant so much to me. I'm starting though now to get it, and it feels really good. Good that I didn't let others convince me to give up on someone I truly care for. Yes person A is not perfect, but no one is. As our friendship grows I learn who I truly am and furthermore that I actually like who I am. This is healthy for me, because for quite sometime I've been feeling like I lost myself.
So to person A I want to say you're always thanking me for being there for you and telling me how wonderful I am, but it's you who is truly the amazing one. I will enjoy the next five years and five more after that. I'm sure our friendship will last a lifetime, and I thank you for that..............

I can't help but marvel how different our world would be if folks really loved as many people as they claim to love..........