Hello Again

WOW!! It's been a really long time since I have posted anything. I was going to wait and try to catch up on all the "goings-on" concerning me, but that's just not gonna work. I've realized something about me though which is something new happens everyday. No wonder I'm lost in my own world half of the time. I had to check in today to post something in particular.Since the first time I heard this song I loved it but it's taken on a new meaning for me recently.

ANOTHER AGAIN

So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it,

but we simply won’t admit it again
Oh it feels good,

it’s so good,

but I won’t do it again
It’s so dramatic again
After we go at it,

we get mad then we go at it again

Oh I love it,

then I hate it,

she’s my favorite again
I’m wasting time
I can’t help it she’s so fine

Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime,

I guess we say bye-bye
(And again and again and again)

Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again,

and we want it again
So we fake it again

I think we’re gonna blow it,

and we know it
But she’s naked again
We get wasted,

then I taste it,

then I waste it again
I can’t invite her again
‘Cause she’ll go from a lover to a fighter
And I’ll fight her again

So it’s over,

but I told her to come over again
I’m wasting time
But she’s always on my mind
I can’t let her go
Oh, she’s not the best,

but she’s all that I know
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime I guess we say bye-bye
(And again and again and again)

Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again,

and we want it again

So I’ve got a new friend
I wish I could forget you
But I miss you,

wanna kiss you again
She’s like you,

but she’s not you,

gotta find you again

So we remember again
The middle of December and I took you out to dinner again
Oh I love her,

it’s not over,

just another again

(And again and again and again)
Oh, it’s another again---
I love her, it’s another again…

ALL SMILES

Last night my x-boyfriend took my mom out to the movies to see spider man 3. They invited me to go along too of course but something told me they needed to go alone. Especially since he invited her to go, and not me. I knew the movies were a cover cause we have been talking about getting back together, but he knows he's got to make things right with the family first. I should have sent my younger sister with them so she could have been my informant, but knowing her she wouldn't have told me anything enjoying the pleasure of knowing I was sittin at home on pins and needles wanting to know everything they were talkin bout.

I had to wait up until twelve this morning for them to arrive then I ran upstairs to my bed and pretended like I had been sleeping. My X came to my room and thought he was shaking me awake. I could have gotten an oscar for my acting skills. I slowly pretended to awake then faked being startled to see him. He was smiling down at me and said "I didn't wanna wake you but I had to come tell you I love you and I always will." Then he tucked me into bed and kissed me on the forehead.

I didn't sleep much last night from a mixture of excitement and pondering what in the world my mother had told him when I called him to say good morning he asked me not to go to work today and to come see him instead. I told him I couldn't, but that we would hang soon. He says we need to talk about us, I'm trying not to get too excited cause I don't wanna get all worked up to get let down, but I think this might be it....

He's the Void in my Life

I miss being your girl, truly I do. Sometimes it's so hard for me to enjoy our salvaged friendship because I want so much more for us. Thats the problem though I want it, you don't. We've gone over what broke us up time and time again and we both seem to agree we were good together. Yet when ever I bring up us trying to get back together you always reply why can't I be happy with what we have. The answer to this question I don't have the courage to tell you because you make me wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to keep crying and upsetting you with my broken heart so I don't tell you that I love everything about you. Even the things that get on my nerves because they are apart of you. I don't tell you how there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you're doing at that exact moment. How the scent of your favorite cologne fills my nostrils at the most random times and I find myself turning about to see if you're near. It absolutely does not help that my family still adores you, they act as if nothing bad ever happended between us. I mean my mom still calls you her son, and my dad asks about you and your wellfare weekly. I no longer lash out at them for caring for you still, I understand it better now. They are like me they can't get over you. It's like I told you I will never love another the way I love you, you are my first love, my first real heart ache,and my first regret.

Jumbled

There are so many things racing through my mind that I want to blog but can't. For one I can't stay focused on one ideal long enough to convey it, and two the exhaustion and fatigue of working through my weekend has caught up with me.....Not to mention the partying and new found fun with legal consumption of alcoholic beverages. House margaritas at Luca's lounge are the best....The hangovers that follow I could do without.....:)

How to Deal

Lately I marvel at how I tend to deal with the things life throws my way. I asked a friend the other day why is it that I can never seem to stay depressed. I know there have been times where I've really felt down, but I always find ways to get over it. My friend responded I have a marvelous way of coping with things.

I've thought about this for some time and what I've come up with is I've been brainwashed into telling myself I'm okay when I'm not. There have been times where I know the exact location of my heart because of the pains coursing through it, and I'm smiling and appear to be happier than ever on the outside. This is a very dangerous behavior because I never allow myself to experience raw emotion unless it's in the form of anger.

There have been times that the smallest thing causes such an over the top reaction from me it scares me. The only way I can calm myself down is to walk away, but the fact of the matter is I have to remove myself from the situation. It leaves me asking myself why am I so afraid to show other emotion? I know I don't want to thrive off of anger forever, but how does one change.

I remember as a kid whatever I felt I expressed it. That's the true beauty of childhood. Then as I grew my conditioning began and in turn I lost my child hood more and more. My parents no longer thought my constant questioning everything was genuine. I was told I ask why too much. There was still so much i didn't understand....

Now that I'm an adult I'm all screwed up. There are times I want to cry because I'm experiencing hurt, but I don't because I've been taught crying is weak. I see others being hurt by my actions and pretend not to care, blaming it on my defense mechanisms.....Hey it's what society has taught me.

It's too bad that in the world we live in today treating someone as you want to be treated makes you a social outcast.

My Confession

Baby I have something to tell you,
You might want to take a seat.
How do I right a wrong,
A wrong I never thought I was able to commit.

Baby I swear I hear your heart breaking,
I wish there was an easy way to mend it.
I want you to know my love for you was always true.
Not that it means much now to you.

Baby I can't take the way your voice quivers,
Every time you ask me why,
Why I had to do this to us.
Never you, always us.

Baby do you remember the good times?
Whenever you had a hard day I'd take you in my arms
Doing my best to comfort you,
Putting your sole at rest.
I want to take you in my arms now,
But I don't....

Baby I have never seen you cry,
But now every time I look into your once strong eyes
They are always filled with hurt.
It's there I see the manifestation of my betrayal
Mocking my despair.

Baby I want to ask for one more chance,
A chance to continue our journey together.
Staying true to our bond of forever.

Baby please hold your head up,
Don't let it hang low with shame.
It is I who carries the blame.

Baby I pray I have not broken your heart forever.
You deserve someone so much better.
A woman who appreciates your everything.
Someone who can be with you and only you.

Baby you tell me over and over again,
You don't deserve this.
On this baby we agree.
You should have known better....
than to fall in love with me.

Somebody Once Said

Somebody told me being with you is taking a step backwards.
I responded that's funny cause when I'm with you, we focus on going forward.
Somebody told me the past always repeats itself, with that same tired line,
"Once a dog, always a dog.
I responded I haven't seen any signs of fleas yet.
Somebody told me you are all wrong for me and I deserve better.
I responded I know your giving me your best.
That's what matters above all else.
Somebody told me this as their final plea,
" Watch for the signs and make the right decision".
I guess I let them down cause I stayed by your side.
Somebody told me I had made the wrong choice.....
it never really mattered until somebody became you.