Thursday, April 26, 2007

How to Deal

Lately I marvel at how I tend to deal with the things life throws my way. I asked a friend the other day why is it that I can never seem to stay depressed. I know there have been times where I've really felt down, but I always find ways to get over it. My friend responded I have a marvelous way of coping with things.

I've thought about this for some time and what I've come up with is I've been brainwashed into telling myself I'm okay when I'm not. There have been times where I know the exact location of my heart because of the pains coursing through it, and I'm smiling and appear to be happier than ever on the outside. This is a very dangerous behavior because I never allow myself to experience raw emotion unless it's in the form of anger.

There have been times that the smallest thing causes such an over the top reaction from me it scares me. The only way I can calm myself down is to walk away, but the fact of the matter is I have to remove myself from the situation. It leaves me asking myself why am I so afraid to show other emotion? I know I don't want to thrive off of anger forever, but how does one change.

I remember as a kid whatever I felt I expressed it. That's the true beauty of childhood. Then as I grew my conditioning began and in turn I lost my child hood more and more. My parents no longer thought my constant questioning everything was genuine. I was told I ask why too much. There was still so much i didn't understand....

Now that I'm an adult I'm all screwed up. There are times I want to cry because I'm experiencing hurt, but I don't because I've been taught crying is weak. I see others being hurt by my actions and pretend not to care, blaming it on my defense mechanisms.....Hey it's what society has taught me.

It's too bad that in the world we live in today treating someone as you want to be treated makes you a social outcast.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

My Confession

Baby I have something to tell you,
You might want to take a seat.
How do I right a wrong,
A wrong I never thought I was able to commit.

Baby I swear I hear your heart breaking,
I wish there was an easy way to mend it.
I want you to know my love for you was always true.
Not that it means much now to you.

Baby I can't take the way your voice quivers,
Every time you ask me why,
Why I had to do this to us.
Never you, always us.

Baby do you remember the good times?
Whenever you had a hard day I'd take you in my arms
Doing my best to comfort you,
Putting your sole at rest.
I want to take you in my arms now,
But I don't....

Baby I have never seen you cry,
But now every time I look into your once strong eyes
They are always filled with hurt.
It's there I see the manifestation of my betrayal
Mocking my despair.

Baby I want to ask for one more chance,
A chance to continue our journey together.
Staying true to our bond of forever.

Baby please hold your head up,
Don't let it hang low with shame.
It is I who carries the blame.

Baby I pray I have not broken your heart forever.
You deserve someone so much better.
A woman who appreciates your everything.
Someone who can be with you and only you.

Baby you tell me over and over again,
You don't deserve this.
On this baby we agree.
You should have known better....
than to fall in love with me.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Somebody Once Said

Somebody told me being with you is taking a step backwards.
I responded that's funny cause when I'm with you, we focus on going forward.
Somebody told me the past always repeats itself, with that same tired line,
"Once a dog, always a dog.
I responded I haven't seen any signs of fleas yet.
Somebody told me you are all wrong for me and I deserve better.
I responded I know your giving me your best.
That's what matters above all else.
Somebody told me this as their final plea,
" Watch for the signs and make the right decision".
I guess I let them down cause I stayed by your side.
Somebody told me I had made the wrong choice.....
it never really mattered until somebody became you.
Today is my god daughter's birthday and her dad actually came to the family dinner. The first time in fourteen years. I mean it's better late than never, at least that's what the old folks say. It was very uneasy having him there especially for her. When I arrived at the dinner she was placed at the head of the table between her parents and it wasn't until she lead the blessing of the food that I saw her smile. I wonder what was going on through her head....I've never seen her so uncomfortable! I know I'm not over reacting because my mom a.k.a my conscience caught wind of her discomfort too.
I was pissed at her mom for paying so much attention to her ex-lover, especially on Nikki's day, but who am I to judge my girl's behavior. It was awkward for the three of them that was obvious but at least this day finally came.
I know Nicole has never felt unloved but there is nothing like the bond between a father and a daughter....
Now that I got all that out the way I enjoyed my three alcoholic beverages which did the trick. I was the social butterfly of the table....I just hope Nikki wasn't too embarrassed

Failure starts with F

I feel as though if I pour out my heart to you,
my words will fall upon ears not willing to listen.
Because these particular ears are purposely being deafened by your self righteousness,
and a lack of compassion for my short comings.
I want to scream out to you,
"take me in your arms and hold me close".
I need to feel your embrace.
A sense of comfort that all will be well.
Yet... even your slightest touch burns me so.
My heart aches from the pain
and my throat swells from holding back the tears.
Apart of me feels this was all avoidable....
I should have never let you get so close.
But the fact of the mater is you've entered my world,
and now I don't want to let you go.
So what's this girl to do?
My heart is broken cause I've failed at another relationship,
Only this time it's worse than ever before.
Cause it's the most intimate relationship of them all....
I failed at friendship.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I had the hardest time ever getting up for work this morning. I think the only thing that allowed me to drag myself into the work place was I know I wont have to go for the next two days. Work has been my escape from the unrest in my life at the moment....but I think I'm ready to take on that headache instead. I can't keep running forever, and the worst case scenario would be work would stay at it's present state and my outside life finally broke through the walls of protection work provides. I can't say I have completely shut everyone out. Their some essential folks in my life right now that I would have perished a long time ago with out, but there is so much I avoid and so many I don't hang out with. Who I really have started to miss, including myself. It's about time I make time for what's really important to me, and stop offering myself as a human sacrifice to the masses.


Do you think of me when you close your eyes to sleep?
You know that moment when your body is at complete relaxation,
what runs through your mind.
'Cause whenever I lay my head on the pillow for a good nights rest,
There is only one thing on my mind.
you my dear,
it's always you.
I think of your smile and contagious laughter.
I hear your voice as if your whispering in my ear.
I see your face, with those soul penetrating eyes.
I feel your touch,
always in the form of a slow caress.
And as I fall asleep,
I smile and whisper your name................

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

Here I give you a little food for thought......

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
--Marcus Aurelius

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
-- Mother Teresa

Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.
-- David Pratt

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
and last but not least........

The darkest hour has only sixty minutes.
-- Unknown

Monday, April 9, 2007

Gangsta's Paradise

I'ma "G"!
I Live by the streets and I die by the streets.
Thats Just the way it is.
Thats the way it will always B.

Where folks are subjected to gunshots ringing
Where the laughter of children is silenced,
by the drive-by gunner's singing.
Speed bumps line every street, along with rival gangs "tags".
Everybody worried about the body bags.

Where Gangstas are in absolute control.
You know them when you see them, they give you that glare.
Daring you to return their stare.
The goal is instant intimidation.
A game of truth or dare
Only one chance for redemption.
Which choice is the best?
Will you bow down to their authority,
or be the next name on someones homicide quest.

A place where it's easy to make the seven o'clock news.
Unless of course another wealthy white woman with large breast dies,
Then it'll just be your family and friends in the pews.

Are the remnants left of neighborhoods.
Once prosperous communities.
Back when it was all good.

Need to be rebuilt into communities we can be proud of.
The gangsta mentality can't continue infecting our youth
there will be complete self destruction,
today's hoods are the proof.
-Lady S

Food for thought

I was having a conversation with a co-worker today and was left with this thought......Why do we fault those who can't do as we wish. Meaning they fall short on our expectations. The truth of the matter is my expectation of someone may completely differ from the expectations someone has for themselves........

The Way Looseing Him Feels

I wish I could believe you then I'd be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you
I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment
I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment
I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for six years
why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what's up with Bee
I been crying for too long
what did you do to me
I used to be so strong
but now you took my soul
I'm crying
cant stop crying
cant stop crying
You could of told me
that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you have done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes
and see she's had half of me
How could you lie

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Watching Them Grow

Last night I got to spend quality time with my god-daughter Nicole(13) and my god-son Jordan(3). They have grown so much in the last few years it's amazing. Nicole has become such a young woman I can't believe it. I remember the days when she was a newborn baby cooing in my arms. One of my favorite memories of her has to be when she was about two years old. Then enjoying her new walking legs. As soon as her mother unstrapped her from her car seat she climbed out of the car and ran straight to me with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Those cute little white sandals and her green dress with the yellow flowers....She has grown so much.

Nicole is now taller than me and gorgeous. I love the fact that her beauty hasn't changed her. She's still a sweet heart inside and out. She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. I just hope she survives high school without to much blood shed ;). Her mother can't take it that her first born is no longer a baby she sounds so much like a parent when she refers to Nicole it's scary.

Jordan has the most infectious laugh ever. My dad was playing peak-a-boo with him last night and he just laughed and laughed. His energy filled the entire room. I love children when they are at his age. They are so question is too silly, whatever they observe they say. It was so cute last night we were watching the news and their was a clip of a train wreck. My mom made the comment "they are lucky only sixteen people died in a wreck like that" and Jordan turns from the television with this look of great concern on his face and says "yeah" to my mom's comment. No one even knew he was paying attention to what was on the t.v.

I can't help but feel bad for wanting to slow both Jordan and Nicole's growth but it seems like every time I see them they've grown so much. I want them to enjoy their youth as much as possible cause we all know it wont last forever.......Wow I sound like my mom :)!!!!

Friday, April 6, 2007

This is why I'm Hot

Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

I used to find self examination something I performed regularly and with great ease. You could catch me staring in the mirror for hours on end. There was once a time in years past when I truly enjoyed the person I was inside and out. Now every time I pass a mirror I might glance into it, not really wanting to engage in the task of looking at myself. Looking at the person I've become. I'm so full of contradictions that it kills me. I find myself fighting the real me constantly. Whether it's dumbing myself down cause "not every man can handle a woman so opinionated". Or biting my tongue cause I don't want to offend someone. The worst is seeing someone being harmed and because the "in crowd" has outcasted them, that person no longer has feelings. It's now okay to ostracize "the weak".
I have never intentionally changed my behavior to fit in or to be popular, yet I have changed for reasons I'm still not proud of. Like not being so aggressive when I engage in a competitive game with a male so his ego wont be harmed. Or not talking with my own vernacular cause it's been deemed ghetto by those who don't understand it. Those in power over those types of things. How in the world did I loose myself so fast......

Monday, April 2, 2007

Matters of the Heart

I can't believe what I'm about to say.
It's only been twenty two years I've spent on this earth,
and the last six have caused my condition.
I don't get sick very often so it makes since the the ailement I have isn't easily cured.
At this point you must be wondering what I have.
First let me say I don't think it's contagious,
and many who have suffered my ailement have been cured.
All right here it is I have been diagnosed with a broken heart.
Some of the symptoms of this condition are unbearable.
You have pains that are so strong and come from so deep within, you become imobilized.
You cry as though your eyes are not eyes at all but two waterfalls ever flowing.
I find myself trying to remember good times,
times of laughter and smiling to make it through the day.
I feel as though nothing will mend it,
and the worst part about it is knowing there is only one who holds the cure.
I know now why I fought myself so hard when it came to loving another.
When you give your heart it's not cherised as the precious gem that it is.
It's tarnished over and over again until it becomes a blackened color.
Each transgressor leaving their stain forever.