How to Deal

Lately I marvel at how I tend to deal with the things life throws my way. I asked a friend the other day why is it that I can never seem to stay depressed. I know there have been times where I've really felt down, but I always find ways to get over it. My friend responded I have a marvelous way of coping with things.

I've thought about this for some time and what I've come up with is I've been brainwashed into telling myself I'm okay when I'm not. There have been times where I know the exact location of my heart because of the pains coursing through it, and I'm smiling and appear to be happier than ever on the outside. This is a very dangerous behavior because I never allow myself to experience raw emotion unless it's in the form of anger.

There have been times that the smallest thing causes such an over the top reaction from me it scares me. The only way I can calm myself down is to walk away, but the fact of the matter is I have to remove myself from the situation. It leaves me asking myself why am I so afraid to show other emotion? I know I don't want to thrive off of anger forever, but how does one change.

I remember as a kid whatever I felt I expressed it. That's the true beauty of childhood. Then as I grew my conditioning began and in turn I lost my child hood more and more. My parents no longer thought my constant questioning everything was genuine. I was told I ask why too much. There was still so much i didn't understand....

Now that I'm an adult I'm all screwed up. There are times I want to cry because I'm experiencing hurt, but I don't because I've been taught crying is weak. I see others being hurt by my actions and pretend not to care, blaming it on my defense mechanisms.....Hey it's what society has taught me.

It's too bad that in the world we live in today treating someone as you want to be treated makes you a social outcast.